WARNING

my blog might cover certain sensitive topics.

something about burn out

im burnt out, from everything. life, this site, basically everything. idk, nothings going good for me anymore.

something about love

imagine this: youre so in love with a girl/guy, so much to the point where you feel so genuinely happy when theyre around, or when you hear their voice, or even just thinking about them. this happiness is something you cherish. you rely on that happiness to feel okay. but then, that girl/guy changes. they dont treat you the same, they dont reciprocate that love back to you anymore, they wont even return your calls anymore. because of this you feel sad instead of happy. this goes on for months, you just want them to talk to you and you beg and beg, you feel worse when they would rather be around others than you. theyre the only person youre living for, so the sudden burst of anxiety and sadness brings you to the verge of suicide. your partner would rather ignore you than let you love them while at the same time still claiming that they love you more, so you would rather have the urge to die over living to see your future. think of how desperate you would be in a situation like this. well, for me, i dont have to imagine that. ive lived through this. for 6 months i felt so much love for this girl, she was my everything and just the thought of her leaving me stopped me from getting good sleep for days at a time. and she just ignored me. what did i do? i dont know. maybe i asked too much for basic communication that it wasnt worth loving me anymore? fuck. we broke up a bit ago, but it didnt hurt me. for the first time i just let it happen. it hasnt even been that long since we broke up and i already miss her. i miss having someone to love, you know? i miss having someone to love me too, but for a long time she never did. and i never realized. but i end up okay. that need to hurt myself is gone now that theres one less thing in my life to cause me stress. its strange how it works, i loved someone to exhaustion that i couldnt even feel the need to live, and the moment shes gone, suddenly all the bad thoughts go away. thats the thing, i was loving a girl who possibly didnt even want it. my one and only was a girl who ignored me. thats pathetic, but thats a lesson i need to learn from. i need to learn not to waste my energy on people that treat me that way. sure, i may have been too emotional, i may have said and done things that made her treat me differently, but thats no excuse to have made me sit there for months waiting for the moment for her to tell me everything was gonna be okay when there was never gonna be any reassurance in the first place. now here i am, single and alone, wondering if i will ever love again. theres a possibility, but right now, i think im better off alone. i mean it when i say i miss having someone to love, but its better to miss that then actually loving someone who doesnt care about me. besides, i feel afraid to love again, not after something like this. ive never loved anyone prior to her, and she might be the last. love is complicated, who knows if there will ever been another girl i will find genuine interest in when being neglected was my first time experiencing true love. well. i guess ill be my own person for now on, despite being nothing special.